I am sitting on the sofa in my living room, and for a second, I felt very strange because I realized something…

I realized
I was sitting
with my right leg crossed
—like a gentleman—
over my left leg

with my right hand
on my right knee

My right hand
holding my face
and my arm
and my right elbow
buried on my right thigh

holding
the weight of my head
and all these thoughts

sitting like this

alone
at 4:25 in the morning
it’s strange

and it’s strange
because I feel
like I’m a guest
in my own living room
when no one sees me

I pose

and I feel strange

because I should stretch out
lie down
sprawl out on the sofa
with all of this

however

I feel like a guest
at a party where no one showed up
just me

I suppose
I feel this way
because maybe
I want someone to see me
or be seeing me

because

maybe I want
with all my might
you
right now
at this moment
to share my living room with me

and then

I want to serve you coffee
or whatever you ask for
or whatever I have in the fridge

Coca Cola
beer
orange juice
iced tea
vodka
chocolate milk

and I want to tell you
sitting in this pose
with my legs crossed
like a gentleman

that I’ve lived a lot
and that I’ve been many people
and maybe that’s why
I don’t recognize myself in my living room
on a day like today

I want to tell you
with my hands on my knees
that sometimes one is afraid
that the mistakes made before
will stain the freshly washed shirt

that we have to put on tomorrow
early
to go out into life

I want to tell you

while you hold your glass
that sometimes I write
because it keeps me company
and because it gives me strength
because it changes everything
and sometimes even heals

—And do you write?

I want to ask you
and I want to know
that if when you write

you laugh
cry
lie
or always tell the truth

I want you to tell me
that if by writing
one forgets
or remembers more

I want to tell you anything
that I like rye bread
that I sometimes have insomnia
that I’d like to write a letter to my father
that I never failed any course in school

I want to tell you that my plant that died
is coming back to life
and that I like coffee
and that my pen ran out of ink this afternoon

I want to serve you more things in your glass
so you don’t die of thirst
or get a lump in their throat
because now I want to tell you

that when I fall in love

—Does it happen to you?

I start taking things out
one by one
and leave them on the table

—Look, here next to the coaster

the hair
the eyes
the mouth
the tongue
the skin
the flesh
the bones
the brain
the heart
the blood

and all of that there on the table
becomes my words
that go far away
and then leave me here
with just silence

I want to tell you

that for me
love has many forms
but there’s always one
—like in everything, right?
that we like more

and I like
that love that takes everything from you
and doesn’t hurt you
nor kill you
neither obligates you
nor reproaches you

—I like that love that truly knows you

that love
I like more
that love that sleeps with you
dreams with you
wakes up with you
that love that will always love you
that love that doesn’t ask for anything
that doesn’t even ask you
to stay
when you leave

and I want to ask you

if you want to drink more
and keep listening to me
because I’m going to tell you
that I want to talk about pain
that resembles fear
mistakes
the past
the done
what can’t be changed anymore
and what sometimes
can’t be escaped

talking about pain
about what you told me
I want to tell you
that I hope without hope
that one day
the pain doesn’t hurt some
but also
I hope without hope
that others
feel that same pain that comes from them
without hurting at all
so I hope without hope
that it hurts them so much
just so they know
what it feels like
when something hurts
and doesn’t kill you

and in the end, I want to tell you
that in my house
sometimes
in my living room
at dawn

I find myself sitting
with my legs crossed
with my torso upright
with my hands resting on my thighs

a guest at the party
that celebrates
the confirmation of my life
the birthday of my ghosts

my days sometimes with insomnia
the baptism with other names of my past losses
a surprise party
where I suddenly arrive

and everything screams at me
and the party starts
with the piñata
full of things
that breaks

and everything crumbles

from within